Loxed and Loaded: First, there was chaos

To really tell our story, I need to go back to the kick-off of the festivities… the day the Lox in-laws rolled into town. Or at least, should have…

In the weeks leading up to the wedding, I was determined that I would be calm when the time was near. I would relax, I would have my work done and passed to my DOC. I would be chill. I’m just cool like that, right?

Sure. If you believe that, there’s some land in Florida I’d like to sell you too. The truth was that just mere days before the wedding, I finally melted down. So here’s the unglamorous story about how the wedding festivities began.

It all started with the pie pops. I had this vision of pretty pretty pie lollipops shaped like hearts and each bearing a tag with a guest’s name and table number. Pie pops for escort cards! What could be sweeter? The vendor I had chosen for said pops had an auto responder on their Etsy convos, so I emailed like the message said to and waited. They got back to me and we ended up setting up the deal outside of Etsy. I told them the drop dead date for receiving my order was the Thursday before the wedding. And when Thursday came, the pie pops were nowhere to be found.

At roughly the same time as the pie pop debacle unfolded, we learned that FIL Lox had just missed his flight. For the second time. Yes, you read that…. he missed two flights that day. And we were unable to confirm whether or not MIL Lox had caught hers. And then there was the distinct lack of pie pops.

Oh hive, I cried. I called up Mr. Lox while he was out picking up his tux and I cried. Actually, right before I cried, Mr. Lox told me the tux pants were too long and had to be altered. But not to worry! He’d get them on Friday! Then, I cried. And Mr. Lox scrambled to make things right.

Mr. Lox was Superman that day. He ran to the mall and sent me pictures of Godiva truffles they had in the store. We found a neopolitan truffle that had pink drizzled on top. The lovely lady at the Godiva store even stuck a lollipop stick into the truffle to show Mr. Lox that I could still have things on sticks for the display I had planned. Mr. Lox walked out of there with 75 beautiful little truffles and ran to pick up his mother (who did in fact catch her flight) before bringing them home to me. After that, a quick tour through my craft supplies proved that I had more than enough treat bags and lollipop sticks to make this plan a go.

I spent the Thursday night before our wedding shoving lollipop sticks up truffle butts, then tying treat bags onto them with baker’s twine and name tags. The escort cards were SAVED!

The display, however, was another story all together. The basket I had purchased and lined with floral foam for our escort card display was tragically too small. But having had my quota of meltdowns for the day I gave up and said we’d just lay them on the escort card table, useless sticks and all.

The next morning as I was running errands, I stopped by Michaels and grabbed two large sheets of floral foam. I had no idea what would happen next, but I was going to McGyver those darn things into an escort card display if it killed me.

First I found some leftover tissue paper from the poms and leftover lollipop sticks. I used the lollipop sticks to bolt the two sheets together and then covered the seam with packing tape. Then I wrapped the (now one) sheet of floral foam in orange tissue paper. But there was a nasty seam around the edges. So I found some sheer orange ribbon I hadn’t used up and wrapped the entire edge of the sheet in that to cover the seams. But I could still see them. So divine intervention struck!

Remember these? The very first thing I DIYed and the only thing I never used? I did. So I pulled out those little flowers and stuck them to the front and the sides of the sheet. And it was good.

And it was really good that it was good, since I really needed a win right then. MIL Lox came over in the middle of the McGyver incident and just kind of watched in amazement as I pulled this thing together out of nowhere. And in the end, it was kinda cute, dontcha think?

Photo by Chad Lippiatt Photo. Names indelicately blurred by me for guest privacy.

The moral of the story is that at some point, a bridal breakdown is inevitable. Far cooler cucumbers than me have been broken. Have you had a bridal breakdown yet?

Miss a recap?

Loxed and Loaded: Setting the Mood

Third time’s a charm

Before I start my recaps (no, I haven’t forgotten them!) I want to take a moment to get real with you all. Not that I’ve ever been anything else… but this is something I need to say.

You all know this is my third marriage. As in, I’m already divorced…. twice. Right. Third marriage. You all get it.

So here’s the thing. More than once in the past year, I’ve wondered what people must think of me. After all, some of these folks came to my first wedding. And some of the same folks showed up at the open house we had after my second husband and I eloped in St. Lucia. Some of these folks must wonder where I got off having an event for my third wedding.

When it got towards the end, I was all over the place emotionally. And finally I sat down with one of my oldest and dearest friends and told her what I was feeling. It was a good choice I made. What she told me that day still makes me cry. So pardon my tears while I tell you what happened.

My friend told me that it didn’t matter that it was my third wedding. She told me that she, and in fact all of my friends, knew this was different. They’d seen Mr. Lox and I together and they knew that this was where I belonged. That this was the right thing. That this was worth celebrating. And that this was the only one that mattered. They were excited to be by my side at this, my third wedding. Because they knew that this time, I had forever.

Over the next week or so, I checked in with all of my closest girls. My friend was right…. they all felt the same way. What Mr. Lox and I have is so real that everyone can see it. And everyone is excited to celebrate that.

So dear hive, I just needed you to know that. You all have been so supportive of me and my third wedding. But I know that sometimes people wonder why encore brides would have another wedding. Not just because of the planning, but in part because we’ve done it before already. And here is my answer.

Because it’s worth celebrating. Because when you find someone this special, the very least you can do is celebrate it. And for someone who has done it before, it takes more courage to commit again than it did the first time. In fact, please take my word for this… it is exponentially harder to commit each time. And because of that I had all but given up on love. I certainly never imagined I’d find this.

But I did. Somehow, through all of the mistakes we’ve made over the years, Mr. Lox and I found each other. And we’re together here and now. And from here on out, all that matters is this. Us. And we are so happy that a wedding is the very smallest way we could celebrate.

My girls were there with me on my day. We got ready together, in fact. And it was everything my first wedding wasn’t. It was perfect. And I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

Now my dears, I promise the next word you hear from me will be my recaps kicking off. I hope you’re ready, because I know I am!

It’s about that time…

Dear Hive,

Well, it’s about that time. And I find myself completely at a loss for words. You all, every one of you, have been nothing short of amazing and my wedding… that little thing that’s happening TODAY… is better because I know you.

You have given me ideas, cheered me on when I faltered, and given me courage when I was fresh out. This wedding that’s about to happen is something more than it was when I started planning. And that’s because of you.

So in just a moment here, I’m going to sign off and go enjoy this one day I’ve been leading up to for the past year. I’m going to let people take care of me. I’m going to try to live up to my zen bride ideal. I’m going to try to take it all in. And I know, at least once or twice today, I will stop and think of how I simply can’t wait to tell you what just happened.

To Mr. Lox – I waited 33 years to find you, and I would have waited 33 more if someone had told me you would be there. You are my rock and I can’t imagine my life without you. I’m so looking forward to our forever.

With that my dears, I am off to get married. I’ll see you on the other side!

For the very last time as a Miss,

Lox

All you need is love?

No pretty pictures today my dears, sorry about that. But I’ve been thinking about something a lot lately, so I thought maybe I could share with you. I know, I know…. I promised a post full of pretty details would be next. Forgive me?

I adore the Beatles, and I love their song “All You Need is Love”. Love it so much, in fact, that it will be the recessional for our ceremony.

But I don’t believe it. Love is NOT all you need.

This is where my encore status makes me a little different. I’ve been through two failed marriages. And I loved both of those men. Loved them completely, to the point where I sacrificed myself and my needs to them. But those marriages, they didn’t work. And it’s not because I didn’t love them.

It’s because love isn’t all you need. Love is a major part of the foundation of any relationship. That I don’t deny. And I don’t think anyone should get married without love. But there has to be more. There has to be trust, and compromise, and loyalty, and dedication. There has to be that decision that you make every day to be with this one person.

The thing is, marriage is hard. Relationships are hard… any relationship. They are work. And in order to maintain a relationship or a marriage, you have to be willing to put in the effort. Every morning when you wake up, you choose to be with this person. You choose to stay where you are. You choose love, and your partner, and your relationship. And you do what it takes to support that choice. But if one morning you wake up, and you don’t choose love or you don’t choose your relationship… well that’s how you end up breaking up, or divorcing, or separating.

You don’t choose love because it’s easy. You choose love because it’s love. You choose for that to be more important than your budget woes, or the crappy thing that happened at work today, or that fight you had over the dishes in the kitchen sink. You choose love over a screaming child, or your stress. Sometimes you even choose love when you don’t like your partner very much right then. You choose it because you know you’ll like them again and you want them to be there when you will. You choose it because the dishes will eventually get put away, your children will go to sleep, your stress will get worked out, and you’ll figure out how to pay the bills. And when all of that is said and done, if your partner is suddenly not beside you, you won’t be happy anymore. So you choose love.

Marriage is something you do, actively. Simply loving, will not sustain it. But choosing will.

So maybe this is all so much garbledy-gook because I have so much emotion about this particular issue. And maybe you think I’m off my rocker. But there it is. I think about this sometimes when Mr. Lox and I are having a particularly animated “discussion”. I think about how easy it was to live alone and why I don’t do that anymore. And I think about how sad I’d be if I woke up one morning and we didn’t choose each other and love. And I know that I’m willing to work. And I know that he is worth that effort.

Right. Apparently I have no idea how to stop rambling so I’ll do it with a quote from an awesome children’s book that I gave to Mr. Lox for Valentine’s Day earlier this year. I know you all have probably seen it before, but I love it most for this:

Even if it was the 999th of July
Even if it was August
Even if it was way down at the bottom of November
Even if it was no place particular in January
I would go on choosing you
And you would go on choosing me
Over and over again
That’s how it would happen every time
– from “I Like You” by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

  Why do you choose love?

What’s in a name?

So yes, I’m going to talk about the name change thing. I know this topic has the tendency to get heated at times and can be a trigger for people. So I’m starting off now by saying that I think the decision of what to do with your name when you marry is a very personal choice. There are a wide variety of options on how to handle it, and I don’t think any one option is more right or wrong than the others. This is not about right and wrong. It’s about me and what makes sense to me.

Now, we’ve covered the fact that I’ve been married twice. Along with those two marriages (and divorces) I have managed to change my name a total of 3 times. The name I have today is actually not my maiden name, nor is it the name of my second ex. For those of you keeping track at home, that means I currently have my first ex’s name.

Right. That one was a doozie right? Let’s talk about how I got here. When I got married the first time, I went from maiden to first ex’s name. We got divorced and I changed nothing. When I got married the second time, I went from first ex to second ex’s name. When we got divorced, I went back to my first ex’s name. It’s okay, read that one again. I’ll wait. It’s odd.

The thing is, aside from a year and a half of being married to second ex, I have had the same name for 12 years. In those 12 years, I have really become who I am today. I was young when I married first ex and I was kind of a shadow of myself now. So I built myself and my professional reputation on this name. Also, I like it. I like the way my signature looks. I love the way I sign my initials. It fits me.

But it’s weird right? Because it’s not really mine. In fact, first ex has gone on to remarry and have a son. All with my borrowed last name. I don’t know who that freaks out more… me or his new wife. But that’s beside the point.

I always assumed I would take Mr. Lox’s name. It’s logical. I mean, first of all it seems a bit insulting to cling to my first ex’s name when I’m married to Mr. Lox. And second of all we plan to have children and I think it’s just easier that way. Seriously, it just makes sense.

So why then do I feel this weird sense of loss? I’ll lose my cool signature and my awesome way or initialing documents. But more than that, I’ll lose the visible connection to the me that I spent 12 years becoming. So while my logical reasons for wanting to change my name still exist, I feel this pull and sadness over the loss of a part of myself. Which is ridiculous because it’s just a name. But I feel it all the same.

Where does Mr. Lox stand on this? He seriously honestly and truly is okay with whatever I decide. Even if that decision meant keeping my first ex’s name. (On a side note, this is a man who knows how to handle his woman. If he pressured me in any way whatsoever? I would probably keep my current name. Because I’m ornery like that. And Mr. Lox must know because he never ever puts Baby in a corner.)

Right back to business here. So what is the bottom line? I’m still about 90% sure I’m going to go through with the name change. I need to remind myself that who I am becoming is just as important as who I have already become. I need to remember that this is a new adventure, a fresh start, and our very own blank slate. And regardless of the third word in my name, I will still be me.

Who volunteers to follow me around and remind me of this?

And I know lately there’s been a lot of name changing talk around the Bee. But humor me and tell me where you fall in the wide spectrum of choices when it comes to your own name?

A Bee’s Life: Lox Edition

How did I find Weddingbee?

The truth? I really don’t remember. I mean, I remember in general, but not specifically. I’m sure I had been searching for something or other somewhere on the internet. Something wedding related even. And somehow, I landed on a blog (have no idea which one, sorry) talking about Weddingbee. What I do remember is that the author of this particular blog was talking about Bee recaps. And then she went on to talk about why people write wedding blogs at all and pointed out that someone people start blogging just to write for Weddingbee! My curiosity was piqued and I clicked through for my very first glimpse at Weddingbee.

At first I was a little confused, but I caught on quick. Each little icon was a different blogger and they were all talking about weddings! How cool. I remember the first Bees I started to follow along with were Mrs. Locket and Mrs. Cardigan. And the fact that people start blogging just to blog here kept niggling at the corners of my mind.

My Application Story

Really guys, I just couldn’t let it go. The truth is that I’ve been writing on the internet since 1998. For reals. I actually kept an online journal before the word “blog” was even coined. I’m just old school like that. I have had many different outlets for writing on the web since then. And I just kept thinking that I could blog here if I really wanted to. So I cruised over to the application page to see what it took. And then I started my own blog, just for the purpose of blogging here, for the hive.

I dutifully posted every other day until my wedding was exactly 8 months away and then applied. Then I went about the process of convincing myself I wouldn’t be accepted so I wasn’t disappointed when I heard back. Good thing too, because 4 weeks later I got an email from Pengy saying sorry but no dice. She also said I could reapply in four weeks.

So I counted out four weeks on my calendar, made a mental note, and kept on blogging like the little blogger that could. The truth is that I got really into it then. I let myself relax, get a little silly, and just have fun. I posted every other day like clockwork. And when I hit that four week mark, I spiffed up my application a little and sent everything back through. (I do have to tell you, Mrs. Knitting’s Bee’s life post was an eye opener for me though. If I’d known some people are submitting high-tech applications or 7 page word documents, I’d probably have been too intimidated to ever try! My little humble *short* email application seems kind of like a little miracle now for getting me through!)

Then I waited. And I waited. And I waited some more. This was over the holidays so the process was slowed by general holiday madness. Finally I got anxious and sent through a gentle inquiry to make sure I wasn’t lost. I wasn’t, Pengy assured me. They’d be voting soon.

Later that week I was visiting my grandmother for dinner. She stepped out of the room for a moment and I checked my email on my phone. There it was… an email from Pengy. I opened it quickly, like ripping off a band-aid right? Do it fast and it’ll hurt less. Except, it didn’t hurt at all because Pengy said I’d make a great addition to Weddingbee! I was over the moon!

What’s it like being a Bee?

It’s amazing. As I pointed out earlier, I’ve been writing online for a long time. But never have I had the love and support around me that we have here. The Hive is just such an awesome community made up of incredible individuals. You all are supportive when we are down. You offer advice when we ask. You offer gentle suggestions when we don’t. And there are no words to explain how much I appreciate being heard.

Yes, it’s a time commitment. But to be honest, there is no other way I’d rather spend this particular time. And every time I imagine what this experience is adding to our wedding day, I’m humbled. I’m really grateful for the opportunity to be here with all of you. I mean that.

Any advice for potential applicants?

Yes. First and foremost, do what you love. For me, writing is what I love and so this is a natural fit. For you, it should be too. Because this is an undeniable commitment and because you have to be willing to sit down and write several times a week, every week, until your story has been told.

Second, be yourself. If yourself is silly and quirky, let it shine through. If you are more emotional, be willing to expose it. If you are artistic, show us! The blog here is so great because we are all so different. So don’t be afraid to show people what makes you unique. That’s what you have to offer and that’s what people will want to read.

That’s all I’ve got folks. I’ll be here for a while yet, and I’m still excited every time I think about it. Thanks for letting me be a part of all of this. 🙂

Covering Up

Slowly but surely, my wedding day look is coming together. Today’s piece of the puzzle is something I never thought I even needed. I mean, I really like them and all… but it seemed just an extra expense, you know? Actually, how can you know at all? You have no earthly clue what I’m talking about. Let’s straighten this out, shall we?

I’m talking about a bolero! And frankly, I blame this post by Miss Sloth. See, I followed the link to the Etsy seller where she got her bolero. And I was confronted with such pretty pretty things. I promptly fell in love with this:

 

POISON orange raw silk bolero from Etsy seller maryandangelika. Click for source.

I mean, I fell in love with the bolero right after I finished drooling over the orange embroidery. But my dress does not have orange embroidery. However my wedding does have orange. And how awesome would this look at my reception? I mean…. right? I was in love. And then I saw this…

 

Autumn irish Cream and pale pink VENETIAN bolero by Etsy seller maryandalgelika. Click for source.

 

And though they couldn’t be more different. The orange bolero is in Mr. Lox’s favorite color which also happens to be one of our wedding colors. And it’s all modern and fun. But the lace bolero is soft and romantic and delicate. Decisions decisions…

I suck at making decisions. So I asked my friend. I showed her the orange one first and she said she couldn’t imagine anything more perfect! Done, right? Ha, I thought so too. Then I showed her the lace one and she said she was amending her previous statement. She’d never seen anything so perfect…. until the lace one. Not helpful. She suggested I show Momma Lox. So I did. And Momma Lox was definitive. She preferred…

…wait for it…

The lace one! Really I knew that;s how it would go. And it probably is the definitive right choice which all of you knew before me. So after a brief conversation, I placed the order. And I waited as my bolero was custom made for me and shipped from way far away. All so that I could show you this picture. Okay, and wear it to my wedding reception.

 

Please forgive me for that picture. The bolero is part of my wedding day outfit which means Mr. Lox has no interest in seeing it. So I had to lock myself in the bedroom to take the picture. Without help. Also, I left the camera in the living room. Which didn’t occur to me until I had already realized the bolero looked terrible with the tank top straps and besides my dress is strapless and I wanted to simulate that for you. So I had gotten the neck hole of the tank top around my entire torso like a strapless neckline. And hive, I wasn’t going to do all that shimmying again just so I could leave the room to get the real camera. Also, apparently I have unsteady hands. But you get the gist of it, right?

So that’s how I came to get a bolero for my wedding day. Are you wearing anything over your dress? Or changing up your look between the ceremony and the reception? (And if so, how did you handle formal pictures? Some with some without? All one way or the other? Help a gal out here.)

Creatopia – Yay or nay?

A while back (okay okay, a loooooong while back) I talked about a new toy  that I was inspired to get. That was the Xyron Creatopia. Here’s a picture to jog your memory a bit:

Here is my new toy. Isn't she pretty?

And I promised a review, which has yet to materialize. Until today, that is. Ta da! 😉

I purchased the Xyron for a couple of reasons. First, it was on big sale. Second, it has removable inserts that can do a ton of cool things. After I purchased the Creatopia itself, I scoured the web and also bought the inserts that make it more functional. To start with, each Creatopia comes with an insert to apply adhesive. The Creatopia takes materials up to 12″ in width and up to .5″ thick. If it meets those requirements, you can make it into a big sticker. I’ve had good luck with that and look forward to finding more uses for it as the wedding crafting goes on.

You can also get refills of the regular adhesive, fabric adhesive, repositionable adhesive, or cold lamination. Whatever meets your needs, you can have it.

Then there are the inserts:

Cutz – This insert allows you to use different kind of blades to make straight cuts. By that I mean you’re not cutting circles or designs here. Just cutting. However, there are different styles of blades. You can cut a straight edge, or a deckled one, or a scalloped one, or a postage stamp one. You can even score and perforate. And you have the freedom to use multiple blades at the same time. So the Cutz insert is useful to me. Is it worth buying the entire Creatopia for? No. If this is all you want, get some rotary cutters or something and call it a day.

Patternz – Otherwise known as dry embossing. This works really well and has options for both embossing just edges or the entire page. Of course, you are limited to the patterns that Creatopia offers and that’s a pretty limited selection. Again, if this is the only thing you want to do, there’s a better solution out there for you. But if there is a pattern you like and you already have the Creatopia, it works really well.

Shapez – I won’t lie, this was my main motivation for getting the Creatopia. The Shapez insert allows you to use dies from any of the major die cutting systems (not catridge-based ones). Then by looking up the right combination of plates to use in the stack, you can use these dies with your Xyron. You can also use other systems’ embossing folders. So I was really excited about this, and I was convinced it was going to negate my mounting desire for a Cricut.

Now, maybe this is my own ineptitude. I don’t know. But for me, the dies didn’t work so well. I made sure I looked up the proper configuration for my stack. I piled everything up exactly as described in my instruction manual. And I ran the die+paper through the Shapez insert. And it didn’t cut all the way through the paper. I tried adding another plate to the stack. Now it wouldn’t go through the insert. So I started doing these complicated modifications to the stack with pieces of cardstock. Finally I got one to run through and cut completely. But that really wasn’t acceptable. I even bought the other systems’ stacks because the manual said I might need them. Still, no dice. I don’t know if it’s the Creatopia that failed me, or this kind of die cutting in general. But it didn’t meet my expectations and I haven’t used it since.

I do keep it because I can use the embossing folders with it which I think might be fun for scrapbooking eventually. So there’s that. But for die cutting, I no longer bother.

Bottom line? I probably wouldn’t have bought it at all if I’d realized the Shapez insert wasn’t going to meet my expectations. I would have saved the money and just gotten a Cricut. However, now that I have it, I do have uses for all the other inserts I have as well as limited use (just emobossing folders) for the Shapez insert. So I’ll keep the Creatopia and use it when I can. For example, it is quite handy for cutting the strips needed to make the tiny little paper lanterns I’m working on. But yeah, I’d just go for the Cricut instead. (On which there is probably a cooler way to cut those strips that I don’t know about.)

Have you ever made a larger purchase like this for the wedding? Did you think of ways to use it afterwards? Are you eyeing up the Xyron Creatopia now?

To do or not to do

So, with roughly four and a half months left until the wedding, I am starting that not-so-slow slide into panic over my To Do list. Actually, if I’m totally honest with you? I’ve been trying to avoid the panic by avoiding the list. Somehow I think this is not the best of strategies.

So today, I am getting real with myself. And apparently in order to have this little moment with myself, I need to be accountable to the hive. And so it goes. Remember this little guy?

It looks so sweet and innocent here... You can click on that to see it larger and appreciate the full on horror of it.

Right. That’s just a giant pile of uh-oh at four and a half months out. Hive, how did I let this happen?

To be fair, a few things have changed. I have completed close to 150 of the mini paper lanterns. The STD envelopes are totally finished and have already reached their final destinations. And I added and then completed the photo hunt cards. Unfortunately, I also added the photo sharing cards and the table numbers.

The rest? Looks exactly the same. And some of those things I don’t even have good ideas for! For example, I was dead set on making coffee filter roses to give to our mothers. That way they could keep the flowers we hand them forever and ever. And to be honest, I totally sat down and made little templates for all of the petals and then did two trial runs. And, well, they were okay. Just okay.

All of this is to say that I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I’m sure there must be a few shortcuts I can take in there somewhere, but I’ll be darned if I’ve figured out where yet! Anyone out there have some awesome ideas to dig me out of this ever-growing DIY hole I’m in?

Has your To Do list ever overwhelmed you? If so, how did you handle it? And if not, how did you keep that from happening?

Big Buddy

Every year at Christmas, I think about Frank. Usually, it’s right around the time I turn on the Christmas music and hear Mannheim Steamroller. Christmas was Frank’s favorite holiday and that was his very favorite Christmas music.

This year it is bittersweet x2. You see, in June of last year my father and I had a falling out. We no longer speak and probably never will again. It’s a long story that I will summarize by saying this: He was behaving very badly and didn’t like being called on it. He would rather lose his only child than apologize for treating her very badly. I simply obliged his decision. End of story.

So it was that yesterday morning, as I was driving to work with Christmas music on the stereo, Mannheim Steamroller came on and I thought of Frank. And I realized that if he were here now, today, I would have already asked him to walk with me down the aisle at my wedding. Not to give me away but to give me his love and support. And to be the father figure unlike any I ever had. And I cried.

I don’t have any good pictures I can really post of Frank and I. They are all in boxes or in frames in printed form. So instead of a pretty picture, today I’ll leave you with a journal entry I wrote 5 years ago, on the first anniversary of his passing. I love him every bit as much today as I did then. And I always will.

12-16-05 – 9:25 p.m.

Last night my mother and I battled the nasty ice storm to go to a Mannheim Steamroller concert. We had these amazing seats where we could see everything… even the expressions on their faces. We got totally geeked out and probably loved it way too much. And as we sat there and listened to those Christmas songs, we thought of Frank.

Frank was my mother’s husband for 20 years, and my step-father. I used to call him my “Big Buddy”. I don’t remember why. He was opinionated, difficult, and often completely tactless. He also loved me in a way that no man has ever loved me before. He was a father figure completely different from my own Dad, and he filled a spot in my life that I didn’t even know existed until he came along. He accepted me as his own daughter and always treated me as such. And he loved my mother completely. He also died one year ago today.

Frank loved Mannheim Steamroller, which was totally out of character for him. Until his love for them, he was strictly a banjo and guitar kind of guy. We couldn’t believe how much he loved their music. He always wanted to see them in concert, but they don’t come around very often and he never quite made it. Frank also loved Christmas. His two loves were perfectly met in every Christmas album Mannheim Steamroller produced. Every Christmas he would pull out their CDs and play them non-stop in his car for us. He would pause the songs when he felt there was something particularly spectacular about them. “Listen to that chord!” “Did you hear that?”

He got really difficult as he got older. Frank had dementia and was on a quick downhill slide into Alzheimer’s. His independence was his pride, and so he didn’t take the illness very well. He had a host of other physical issues which slowly ate away at him. For a retired cop, this was pure torture. So he got more and more difficult as he had a harder and harder time dealing with it. And, as time wore on, he became less and less aware of how difficult, and often mean, he could be.

But even through all of that, he loved me. Even as his health got progressively worse, he made sure he was there when I needed him. Frank was the kind of father figure who couldn’t stand to see his little girl get hurt. No one was ever good enough for me, and I could do no wrong. I’ll never be half the woman I was in Frank’s eyes.

So last night we watched Mannheim Steamroller perform and we thought of Frank. As I listened to “Deck the Halls”, I had a perfect picture of him pointing at the car stereo and asking me “Doesn’t it sound just like the Electric Light Parade?” It does. And I cried.

I miss you, Big Buddy. Merry Christmas.